


The Other Side of Limbo

by ArgentSleeper



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Coma, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 09:38:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3351869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/pseuds/ArgentSleeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Merlin is left comatose after a car accident, Arthur is left to watch and wait.</p><p>And worst of all, to try to go on living.</p><p> </p><p>(Please read author's notes before reading.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Other Side of Limbo

**Author's Note:**

> Six months ago, my own fiancé was killed in a car accident. This was probably the most difficult thing I've ever written, but it was extremely therapeutic for me to do so.
> 
> I'd like to request that you not comment on this story. Kudos/bookmarks/whatever are fine, but please refrain from leaving a comment, even if it's intended to be positive. All comments will be deleted.
> 
>  
> 
> (This story does not contain major character death.)

Day 1

“The swelling around his brain is severe. We’ve removed a section of his skull in order to alleviate some of the pressure, but there’s no telling how much it will help or when he’ll regain consciousness. It’s all up to him now.”

Arthur held on to Merlin’s hand, squeezing it tightly as if he could wake his husband by virtue of simple pressure. Gwaine’s words flowed over him, hardly making a ripple in his focus.

“Thank you for taking his case, Gwaine.” Morgana gave her fiancé a weak smile. “We know you’re doing everything you can.”

“I have to go see to my other patients, but I’ll be back around as soon as I can, okay? Just have a nurse call if you need me.”

Arthur barely noticed as Gwaine left. He smoothed a hand down Merlin’s bruised cheek, brushing the tufts of hair that poked out from his bandages away from his swollen eyes. He didn’t understand what people meant when they said coma patients looked like they were just sleeping. When Merlin slept, it was with his limbs wrapped around Arthur like an octopus, clinging to him like he was afraid one of them might float away in the night. He would have his face buried into Arthur’s neck or chest, the better to press smiling kisses whenever he felt like it.

Merlin would never sleep like this, arms plastered to his sides, one leg propped up and encased in plaster. He would have rolled and thrashed until the myriad wires attached to him were tangled and ripped away. And he would never, _ever_ spent a single night with deep black and purple blotches on his face from smashing against a steering wheel.

Morgana sat beside him, laying a hand gently on his arm. “It’ll be okay, Arthur. I promise.”

Arthur just held the hand tighter and prayed she was right.

 

 

Day 3

“Arthur, sweetheart, you need to get some rest. Why don’t you go home for the night? I’ll stay here with Merlin.”

“I’m not leaving him.”

Morgana tried to get him to turn to meet her eyes, but Arthur stayed stubbornly where he was. She sighed. “This isn’t healthy. Merlin would want you to take care of yourself. You know Gwaine or I will call you if anything changes.”

Arthur did know that. It wasn’t good enough. “I need to be here if he wakes up.”

Merlin was afraid of hospitals. When his father died after becoming trapped in their burning flat, everyone had tried to keep him away, claiming it was no place for a child. He had finally snuck away from the nurse who was supposed to be keeping an eye on him and crept into his father’s room, except the person in the bed was no longer his father. There was just a shell, wrapped in gauze with small red patches showing in the gaps. Merlin had tried to unwrap the layers of the bandage, searching for his father underneath, but he’d only found the blistered, oozing skin underneath. Doctors and nurses had come running at his terrified screams, and no one had been able to calm him for hours.

His father died two days later. His mother died of cancer ten years after that.

If Merlin woke without Arthur there, he was liable to panic. Especially since there was a good chance he wouldn’t quite remember what had landed him in the hospital in the first place. Arthur had to be there to take care of him.

“He needs me.”

 

 

Day 7

“The driver of the other car is pleading guilty. The sentencing is next Thursday.”

Leon stood uncomfortably by the door. Gwen was at the small table in the corner of the room, opening containers and dishing out a plate of food for him. She’d taken to bringing Arthur a meal every day, even if she couldn’t stay long to visit. Arthur picked at the food, unable to eat much even though he hadn’t had a full-size meal for days.

Arthur grit his teeth. “Unless the verdict is death by drowning in a vat of boiling oil, I don’t care.”

Only his inability to be in two places at once had stopped Arthur from hunting down the man who had been driving the lorry that had run a red light, smashing into Merlin as he walked innocently across the street. He knew from overhearing the police that the man had been a patient in hospital for a while. Gwaine had refused to tell Arthur where his room was. If Arthur ever laid eyes on him he would rip the man’s throat out with his bare hands and not even think twice. No punishment the courts came up with would come close to justice.

Leon winced, and Gwen was clearly fighting back tears, hands shaking as she closed up her dishes. “I’ll let you know how it goes then? …Right.”

 

 

Day 13

“Arthur, you’re coming home with me, right now.”

Arthur shook his head. “I can’t. You know that.”

Morgana gripped his chin and forced him to look at her. He hated seeing the pain in her eyes, but he didn’t have the energy to figure out how to fix it. “You can either come with me or Gwaine’s going to have security throw you out. I’m sorry, Arthur, but I can’t let you keep doing this to yourself.”

“I…” Arthur pulled his head away and glanced back at Merlin. What if he woke up while Arthur was gone? “I can’t leave him all alone.”

“He won’t be,” Gwen promised, appearing in the doorway. “I’ll take care of him for you.”

“I swear, if anything changes, even the slightest bit, I will drive you immediately back here.” Morgana reached for his hand, the one not clutching to Merlin. “Please, Arthur.”

He knew when he’d been defeated. Trembling, he stood, then leaned over his husband to kiss his unresponsive lips. “I’ll be back,” he whispered.

 

 

Day 30

“I’m afraid at this point we have to upgrade Merlin to a persistent vegetative state. I’m sorry, but his chances of recovery at this stage have diminished severely.”

 

 

Day 37

“Arthur… It’s been over a month. It’s time to think about-”

“Say another word, and I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

 

 

Day 40

_“Arthur, I believe I have been very understanding about this whole affair, but I must insist you return to work. Morgana tells me you barely even leave that place to sleep, let alone eat. If you continue with this behaviour I cannot guarantee your position will be waiting for you when you deign to return. Your life cannot come to a standstill over this.”_

 

Day 45

“Thank you for doing this with me.”

Arthur forced a smile at his sister and picked off another bite of scone. He tasted nothing as he washed it down with a sip of tea, but the simple action seemed to be helping Morgana to relax.

“I want you to come out to the pub with Gwaine and I on Friday night. –No, please, let me finish. Gwen offered to stay with him. You need to do something normal.”

“Nothing is normal,” he spat. Why did they have to keep harping on him about this? He’d agreed to go home to sleep at night, hiring a private nurse to sit with Merlin. Gwaine had given him a look, but hadn’t raised a protest.

Morgana reached across the table and took his hand. “I know. Believe me, I know. If it was Gwaine-”

“But it’s not Gwaine, is it?” Arthur ripped his hand away, struggling to keep his voice low and not make a scene. “It’s Merlin, who didn’t deserve any of this. He especially doesn’t deserve for me to abandon him.”

“You aren’t abandoning him! Arthur, everyone can see how much you care for him. I’m just saying, this constant vigil isn’t helping either of you. You can’t quit your life just because he’s not in it right now!”

“What do you want from me, Morgana?” he hissed. “You think I should pull the plug? Don’t lie to me, Gwaine’s tried to bring it up enough times I know that’s what everyone thinks I should do. Well fuck you all. I’m not giving up on him, even if you are.” Arthur stood abruptly and stalked out of the café.

He returned immediately to the hospital, glaring Gwen out of the room. Merlin was rolled on his side, to prevent bedsores they said. They’d started physical therapy a few weeks ago, working his arms and legs to prevent atrophy. They’d taught Arthur how to do some of it, so he could stop feeling so useless, and he lifted Merlin’s arm now, performing the simple manoeuvres.

“I won’t leave you, Merlin. Not ever. ‘Til death do us part.”

 

 

Day 46

Morgana brought him coffee as a truce.

“You know I’m just doing this because I care about you right?” she said softly.

Arthur couldn’t meet her eyes. He knew what he’d see there. After he’d had a chance to calm down, he’d been trapped with his thoughts, and he was forced to look outside himself. Morgana and the dark bags under her eyes that had never been there before. Gwaine and the way he kept one trembling hand on Merlin’s shoulder whenever he came in to shakily talk to Arthur. Gwen and her constant sparkling eyes that often had to be calmed by one of the others.

These were Merlin’s friends, too. But they were right, there was nothing more they could do for him right now. So they were left with taking care of Arthur. Who was doing nothing to take care of himself.

_“You are insufferable, you know that?” Merlin threw his arms up in the air in defeat. “The doctor said bed rest for at least a week minimum, and what do you do? Go into the bloody office!” Merlin crawled onto the bed next to Arthur and wrapped his arms around him, careful not to hit the stitches across his stomach. “You have to take better care of yourself,” he begged softly. “Do you know what it would do to me to lose you?”_

“They keep saying it’s up to him. That there’s nothing else to be done for him and it’s all up to Merlin,” Arthur’s voice cracked as he stroked Merlin’s cheek. “But that can’t be, because if it were really up to him he would have come back to me already. He wouldn’t _do_ this to me.”

Arthur finally looked up at Morgana with tears flowing silently down his cheeks. “I can’t– … _I need him_.”

Morgana enveloped him in a hug and let him sob.

 

 

Day 78

Arthur rolled his eyes but couldn’t help a grin at Gwaine’s stupid joke.

He was finally able to have a good time without wanting to kill himself with grief, and Morgana even let him have a beer when they went out instead of eyeing him with worry he would drown his sorrows. Arthur would never admit it, but his sister had been right about the need for him to get out of the hospital and do something for himself. He’d gone back to work, started eating again, and joined Morgana and Leon and Gwen and Gwaine (when he wasn’t working) to go out each Friday.

They were spending this Friday at the club. Merlin had never liked the crowded atmosphere, preferring to keep things quiet and simple. Occasionally he would agree to go, though, grinding fiercely against Arthur on the dance floor until Arthur gave up and dragged him home before he was forced to shove him into a stall.

“Arthur, it’s your turn to get the next round,” Morgana declared, despite the fact Arthur had gotten the last two. He didn’t argue, though, getting up with only a small bit of grumbling to head over to the bar.

He placed his order and sat on a barstool to wait. Avalon was packed tonight, and Arthur could barely see his table of friends over in the far corner. Looking around, he let himself get swept up in the atmosphere of the place. It was technically 80’s night, though Arthur had refused to dress up for it. All around him were people in shoulder pads and neon and Doc Martins.

There was one man who caught his eye over all the others. He was very tall, and had muscles that probably could have snapped a tree in two. He wore a Wham! shirt with the sleeves torn off at the shoulders –Arthur vaguely wondered if his biceps would have even fit through them– and sipped on a brightly coloured cocktail of the type Morgana favoured. The man’s head turned as if he could sense Arthur staring at him, and he smiled. Scooping up his drink, he sidled over to Arthur’s seat.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Arthur echoed back dumbly. “I was just- I mean- I like your shirt. That was a good band” As if he would know. He’d been barely an infant at the end of the decade.

The man just grinned at Arthur’s fumbling. “My parents loved them. They passed the fascination down to me.” He held out a hand. “I’m Percy.”

“Arthur. Do you… come here often?” he finished, wincing at the lame cliché.

“Not at all, actually,” Percy shrugged. “I’m visiting a friend. I’m just in town for the weekend.”

“You picked a good night to come in. Are you enjoying it so far?” _Lame, lame, **lame**._

Percy’s smile shifted. “Some parts better than others.” He reached out and put a hand on Arthur’s arm. “Do you want to dance? My friend already ditched me for his girlfriend. He won’t notice if I vanish for a while.”

Arthur opened his mouth to reply and then froze, heart beating rapidly. Was he insinuating...? But Arthur hadn’t… Surely there had been no _hints_ …

Percy started to shift awkwardly as the silence stretched between them, face morphing into a confused frown. “Right, ehm… I’ll see you around.” He walked away, his flirting –oh God, Arthur had been _flirting_ \- clearly turned down.

Arthur suddenly found he couldn’t breathe. Blindly he stumbled out of the club, collapsing against the side of the building just in time to throw up the contents of his stomach. What was he doing? How could he have forgotten about Merlin so easily? Even if he hadn’t flirted consciously, he’d certainly been attracted to the other man. This was a mistake, coming here. Arthur should be back at the hospital, never should have left. To think he had nearly…

“Arthur? Are you alright?” Morgana crouched down next to him. “What happened? You didn’t mention you were feeling ill.”

“I cheated on Merlin, Morgana,” he whispered shakily. “Someone asked me to dance and I was going to do it.”

“Oh, Arthur.” Morgana sighed and sat down next to him, careful to be on the opposite side of his vomit. She wrapped her arms around him tightly. “You didn’t cheat. Nothing happened, and even if it did, you didn’t cheat.”

“How can you say that? Merlin’s my husband! I can’t just go around doing _things_ with other men.”

“And I’m not saying you should, not right now. You aren’t in any sort of mental state for something like that, and it wouldn’t be fair to your prospective partner. But, Arthur,” she laid a hand gently across his mouth so he couldn’t respond, “I know you don’t want to hear this, and believe me I don’t want to say it, but it’s been nearly three months. The doctors have said, even if Merlin wakes up, the chances are he won’t be okay. You have to start thinking about yourself. Merlin wouldn’t want this for you.”

“Merlin wouldn’t want to be in a coma either,” Arthur retorted reflexively.

“But he _is_ , Arthur. He is and it sucks but it’s not going to change just because you put your life on hold! I’m not saying you have to divorce him or see other people or even stop visiting him, but you have to let yourself start to move on.” Tears were slipping unchecked down Morgana’s face as she pleaded with him. “You have to at least consider the possibility that you won’t get Merlin back.”

Oh, but Arthur had. In the darkest nights, when Merlin had gone days without a reflexive twitch, Arthur had considered it. He’d thought about what life would be like without his husband, and he didn’t think Morgana would want to hear how that future would turn out. Because all roads led to him needing Merlin more than life itself, and if he was taken away?

Arthur wasn’t sure he would able to make himself go on living.

 

 

Day 79

“Please, Merlin. _Please_.”

 

 

Day 88

“It’s Valentine’s Day, Merlin. I know you always hated it, with all the commercialism and the artificial pressure. I know you’d hate yourself for being a cliché and giving in to hype, but if you could find it in you to just wake up today, I’d never ask you for another present again. Not for Valentine’s Day or Christmas or my birthday. Hell, you can forget our anniversary for the rest of our lives. Just give me this one gift, Merlin. Just this one.”

Arthur stroked Merlin’s hand softly as he spoke. Despite the exercises and the IV, he’d lost so much weight from both fat and muscle mass that Arthur felt like he could see every bone in his body. His normally pale skin had taken on an even paler translucence, so that even though the marks of the crash had long since faded, he still looked slightly mottled.

Arthur thought he looked beautiful.

There was a knock on the doorframe, and Arthur looked up to see Gwaine standing there. His future brother-in-law wasn’t in charge of Merlin’s care anymore since they’d moved him to the rehab centre, but he did his best to keep an eye on him for Arthur’s sake.

“Morgana wants you to join us for dinner. She says you shouldn’t be alone.”

“I’m not alone.”

Gwaine sighed. Arthur felt bad, a bit. As great as Gwaine had been with getting Arthur through the medical side of this, explaining every treatment before they did it, he tended to leave the emotional part to Morgana. “Just think about, okay? We’re here for you, you know? We’ll leave a place at the table in case you decide to come.”

“Thanks.”

They both knew he wouldn’t. Not today.

The nurses smiled at Arthur as they went about their routine, cooing at the giant vase of roses by Merlin’s bedside. He ignored them. He knew they whispered pityingly about him behind his back. Eventually they left him alone, and somehow Arthur relaxed enough to fall asleep with his head snuggled up to Merlin’s side.

He woke to the feeling of someone moving his hand. He peeked at it blearily, expecting to see one of the nurses attempting to extract him so they could take vitals, but there was no one there. _More reflexes_. It happened, though less often than Arthur would have liked. Merlin twitched and wiggled, even opened his eyes. It meant nothing.

Merlin squeezed his hand again, and Arthur shushed him soothingly. He always feared his husband was having nightmares in his sleep, unable to run away from the monsters that haunted him. They said there was a chance Merlin could hear him. Arthur always prayed it was true. “It’s okay, love. I’m right here.”

Merlin’s eyes fluttered open half-way, slowly working their way across the room until they landed on Arthur. It always made Arthur’s breath catch in his throat when Merlin would look so awake, even knowing it wasn’t real. He was just so happy to have a chance to see his husband’s eyes again.

Another squeeze. “That’s right, I’m here. You’re safe. I love you.”

The corners of Merlin’s lips twitched upwards, and he squeezed twice. Arthur frowned. That hadn’t happened before. Usually Merlin settled when Arthur spoke to him, and he never made any attempts at facial expression.

“Merlin? Can you hear me?”

Merlin didn’t answer, and Arthur hadn’t really expected him to. This was only another reflex, it had to be. Merlin blinked, eyes never leaving Arthur. Arthur wanted to cry. It was just so cruel this in-between state, giving him hope and yanking it away, leaving him a broken hearted fool every time.

But what did it matter if he was a fool? No one was around to witness it but Merlin. God knew he’d done this enough times in the first few weeks. “Merlin love, if you’re awake, blink twice.”

He waited with baited breath to be proven wrong once again. Then, agonizingly slowly, Merlin opened and closed his eyes. Twice.

“You… You’re–” Arthur’s vision was blurring so much with tears that he couldn’t tell anymore if Merlin was still moving. He smashed on the call button by the bed. “Squeeze my hand again, love.” Merlin did. Arthur gave a hysterical laugh of relief. “Oh, thank you, God. Thank you, _thank you._ ”

One of Merlin’s regular nurses came in, clearly surprised that Arthur had called her when he usually tried to ignore them as much as possible. “He’s waking up,” he laughed. “He’s really waking up.”

The nurse gave him a pitying smile and came over to check Merlin’s eyes with her penlight. Arthur caught the subtle shift in his gaze. “Merlin, it’s alright, don’t be afraid. I’m here.”

“Mr Pendragon, can you hear me? I’d like you to follow this light with your eyes.” She waved her penlight back and forth before him, and Arthur watched with growing glee as Merlin didn’t miss a step, settling his gaze back on Arthur when she was done. “I’ll go get the doctor to examine him, but Mr Pendragon, I really wouldn’t get your hopes up just yet.”

It was too late for that. Arthur’s hopes had already reached Mt Everest.

“You’re awake. I can’t believe you’re awake.” He couldn’t stop repeating it. “Merlin, just- just keep moving. You can do it, love.”

Merlin obeyed and squeezed his hand, continuing to do so periodically as Arthur spoke to him, telling him what had happened the past few months. He never broke eye contact, though occasionally, his eyes would slip closed for a beat too long, and Arthur would fear he’d fallen back into unconsciousness.

The doctor arrived and went through the same steps Arthur had seen a hundred times. Merlin followed every command, though some he seemed to struggle with. He couldn’t lift his arms or legs more than a tic nor manage more than a small whimper when asked to speak. But he was _trying_ , and that was more than any of them had told Arthur time and time again to ever expect. Once they were satisfied something was really happening, the two professionals left to order more extensive testing.

Arthur smiled brilliantly at his husband, using his free hand to stroke his hair. “You’re doing great, love. I’m so proud of you.”

Merlin let out another whimper, and his eyes flicked to the table by the bed. There was a note pad and pen there from Arthur’s earlier attempts to distract his brain. He quickly picked them up and arranged them so Merlin could write.

His scrawl was huge and uncoordinated, but luckily Arthur was too ecstatic to be dismayed over the sign that everything was not going to get better right away. Eventually Merlin dropped the pen with another lip-twitch smile. Arthur leaned over to read his message.

_“Hapy VDay Arthur.”_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I ask that you please do not comment. Thank you.


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